It’s taken me awhile to get to this point.  To where I’m okay posting that our adoption journey is over for now.  And I am okay with it, though the whole thing still makes me very sad.  As I posted before, Korea declined to work with us, and although we really wanted to make our agency’s Russia program work, in the end it was just too expensive.  I believe we could have done it, but finances would have been very tight in our house, especially now with the economy the way it is.  We requested information packets from several domestic agencies, but had a similar problem–the agencies that gave us the most say in the process were the most expensive, and there were too many unknowns (birthmother expenses, legal fees, etc.).  We could have gone with an agency that relies solely on the birthmother choosing her adoptive family, but realistically we wouldn’t expect to be chosen very soon: statistically, birthmothers tend to choose younger parents (Tom is 40 and that’s generally believed to be the cutoff for many birthmoms) without any other children.  Plus, since we specifically wanted a girl, that could have potentially been a turnoff for many birthmothers.

I did contact CCAI again, to ask if Tom’s ADD would be an issue for China.  The answer was no, it would not be an issue, and we could proceed with a Chinese adoption if we chose.  That was a very hard one for me.  The wait time for China is stretching longer and longer, and I believe that if we decided to go through with it, we could realistically expect to wait at least four years.  That would make Tom nearly 45, and he is just not comfortable with that.  We could pursue a special-needs adoption, which could shorten the wait time significantly.  However, Tom and I have both prayed extensively over this adoption, and neither one of us believes we are supposed to adopt a special-needs child.  So as difficult as it was for me to admit, it appeared we were out of options.  Yes, there are other countries out there, but we don’t want to disrupt the birth order in our family, which means we’d want to adopt as young a girl as possible.  We just didn’t see any other viable options for us.

  Interestingly, once we made our final decision after talking with CCAI, I became much more at peace about everything.  It was as though CCAI was our last remaining option, and once we decided not to pursue it, I was finally able to let it go, believing that I had exhausted all of our current options.  As sorrowful as this whole thing makes me feel, I also feel somewhat as though a weight has been lifted–the weight of the heartache of going back and forth, over and over again. 

  We may try again to have our girl the old-fashioned way.  Even so, we would wait another six months or so to start trying to conceive, so we don’t have two children under the age of two.  I have mixed feelings about it, after everything I went through with Connor’s delivery (which is a story for another day).  But I still believe that God is waiting to give us a girl, and maybe this is the way he always intended to do it.  We’ll see how we feel next summer.  In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy the three tremendous blessings God has given us already, while holding onto the dream of just one more.

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